trauma
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Thing theory
Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about stuff. I have a lot of it, I want less of it. I have an urge to simplify my life after losing J to suicide. In films when someone dies, their room is left untouched with the door kept closed. Like a shrine, there is an aversion to… Continue reading
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Primal Screen
Even since J died, I don’t often feel lonely. But one of the times I feel his loss most keenly is when I’m making difficult parenting choices. And none come more difficult than navigating the world of smart phones. Parenting after loss is lonely. On Friday evening, me and Dylan had an argument. It was… Continue reading
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Drinking and grieving, grieving and drinking
I have been sober for seven months. Before anyone thinks I am super-human, this is only something I was ready to try after the two-year anniversary of J’s suicide. I should also add that drinking isn’t a coping mechanism I employed consistently in my grief. In the days or weeks (I can’t remember) following his… Continue reading
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Autism and Grief
It sounds really cliché to say that there are many layers to a bereavement, but it’s true. Perhaps even more so with a bereavement by suicide. It’s been three years and (as is probably quite evident from this blog), I still haven’t fully wrapped my head around any of it. And then there’s trying to… Continue reading
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The hips don’t lie
I’ve started making an involuntary “Aaaah” noise every time I sit down. It’s part-stiffness and part-relief that my backside is about to make contact with a cushioned surface. It’s the kind of noise I would make while acting the part of someone at least thirty years older than me, in a theatre workshop. Every time… Continue reading
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Seventeen minutes
Warning: This post contains the details of J’s suicide. The time it took for my life to change beyond recognition was a measly seventeen minutes. The amount of time it might take me to run three miles very slowly, or listen to a short podcast, or make chips in the air fryer and eat a… Continue reading
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The backstory
I lost my partner J to suicide in April 2022. J and I met at a time when I thought I was going to be single for a long while. Having recently split up with the kids’ dad C, I had only been alone for five months. It was as amicable a split as you… Continue reading