family
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Chain Reaction
The kids still talk about J a lot, usually to reminisce about something funny he said or did. It yanks me backwards, when I am trying to move forwards, towards the future. I have been single since he died, and the thing I miss most about him is his sense of adventure, his childish delight… Continue reading
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Thing theory
Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about stuff. I have a lot of it, I want less of it. I have an urge to simplify my life after losing J to suicide. In films when someone dies, their room is left untouched with the door kept closed. Like a shrine, there is an aversion to… Continue reading
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Primal Screen
Even since J died, I don’t often feel lonely. But one of the times I feel his loss most keenly is when I’m making difficult parenting choices. And none come more difficult than navigating the world of smart phones. Parenting after loss is lonely. On Friday evening, me and Dylan had an argument. It was… Continue reading
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Drinking and grieving, grieving and drinking
I have been sober for seven months. Before anyone thinks I am super-human, this is only something I was ready to try after the two-year anniversary of J’s suicide. I should also add that drinking isn’t a coping mechanism I employed consistently in my grief. In the days or weeks (I can’t remember) following his… Continue reading
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Autism and Grief
It sounds really cliché to say that there are many layers to a bereavement, but it’s true. Perhaps even more so with a bereavement by suicide. It’s been three years and (as is probably quite evident from this blog), I still haven’t fully wrapped my head around any of it. And then there’s trying to… Continue reading
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The hips don’t lie
I’ve started making an involuntary “Aaaah” noise every time I sit down. It’s part-stiffness and part-relief that my backside is about to make contact with a cushioned surface. It’s the kind of noise I would make while acting the part of someone at least thirty years older than me, in a theatre workshop. Every time… Continue reading
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The Lawnmower
I mowed the lawn today. So did half of the UK quite likely, on this glorious May weekend. So, big whoop, I hear you say, why even mention it? Well, mowing the lawn is a big deal to me, that’s why. My financial independence has always been important to me. I think subconsciously, seeing my… Continue reading
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Do you believe in life after love?
A couple of nights ago, an episode of atrial fibrillation woke me up in the middle of the night. It’s an unpleasant sensation, not painful but uncomfortable enough to make me aware it’s happening. The added bonus is that the more I worry about it, the worse I feel it’s getting. I got up to… Continue reading
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Anniversaries & Birthdays
Anniversaries are really sneaky. Birthdays too, but for me less so as I’ve never been a big birthday person. For my 40th I was 9 months pregnant. Nathan was due the next day, but decided to wait another two weeks before making an appearance. As if that wasn’t enough, we chose that day to move… Continue reading
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Mum
Almost exactly a year and a half after J’s suicide, I was faced with the unexpected loss of my mother. Mum had caught Covid the previous year. While I don’t believe that caused her death, I wonder if it lowered her immune system enough to allow something dormant to take hold. We had been to… Continue reading