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Holidays
Quite soon after J’s suicide my life changed again. This time in a financial sense. Partly hard work and partly being in the right place at the right time. The irony being that suddenly I could have afforded for J to receive private treatment for his mental health. Would he have accepted it though? I’ve… Continue reading
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A sign from the universe?
I’d only just written my post about feeling my mum’s absence so keenly, and the universe sent me a sign. Let’s be clear – I am not spiritual. I don’t believe in life after death and I don’t believe in ghosts or spirits. Our brains look for patterns and meanings, so we place significance to… Continue reading
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Different types of grief
Over the past few days I have been thinking about the different types of grief I have been experiencing. This came about because my hands have started to remind me of my mum. That sounds slightly ridiculous, I know. It happens when I am cutting an apple, or peeling off the film from a packet.… Continue reading
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Four years
Today would have been J’s forty-sixth birthday. We are almost two months past the four-year anniversary of his suicide. As usual, me and the boys went away for the actual the date. But this year I booked the holiday out of habit, not necessity. Four years on and his death has taken on a surreal… Continue reading
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Lessons learnt
I think I’m done. Not with navigating life on my own, but the opposite. I’m done with dwelling on how J’s suicide has affected me. Normally what I want to write on these blog posts comes to me organically. Inspired by day-to-day events and how they link back to what happened. But these last few… Continue reading
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Halloween
It’s coming up to Halloween and I have teenagers. My eldest, Dylan, isn’t remotely interested (aside from insisting Nathan shares his haul.) Nathan, still wants to go trick-or-treating. This year he is going dressed up as a badger. I think he only wants to go because it’s one of the few times he gets access… Continue reading
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Ways of Grieving
Today is the two year anniversary of mum’s death. A few weeks ago my dad called my sister to ask her permission to take his new ‘friend’ to our holiday home on Andros. He told my sister he wasn’t sure how to broach it with me. When I called him, he told me they were… Continue reading
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Current state of affairs
I’ve been thinking a lot about current affairs recently, and their effect on mental health. A couple of weeks ago I engaged in a Facebook post. I normally lurk. The algorithm mostly spits up posts from people who have retired early and are living their best lives. I think it’s trying to tell me something.… Continue reading
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Dating after loss
When is the right time to start dating after you’ve experienced a loss? Especially a loss by suicide? I’m damned if I know… As with everything grief-related, it’s different for everyone. People helpfully tell you that it will happen when you least expect it. So you turn up to every work do, art club, yoga… Continue reading
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Primal Screen
Even since J died, I don’t often feel lonely. But one of the times I feel his loss most keenly is when I’m making difficult parenting choices. And none come more difficult than navigating the world of smart phones. Parenting after loss is lonely. On Friday evening, me and Dylan had an argument. It was… Continue reading